Setting Healthy Boundaries as a Second-Generation Asian American
Growing up as a second-generation Asian American, you might feel caught between two worlds – the culture of your family and the culture around you. One common challenge this creates is learning to set healthy boundaries in relationships. In Asian American mental health discussions, boundaries often come up because they are key to self-care and balanced relationships. But what exactly are healthy boundaries, and why are they so hard to set when family and cultural expectations loom large? Let’s explore what healthy boundaries are, see some examples, understand the cultural hurdles (filial piety, collectivism, and guilt), and discuss how therapy for Asian Americans can help you identify, set, and maintain boundaries.
What Are Healthy Boundaries?
In simple terms, boundaries are the limits or rules you set about how others can treat you and what you are responsible for in a relationship. They draw a line between you and other people in terms of your personal space, emotions, and needs. Healthy boundaries let you feel secure and respected – they show others how you want to be treated. For example, you might have boundaries around your physical space (maybe you’re not comfortable with hugs from strangers), around your emotions (not taking blame for someone else’s feelings), or around your time (not answering work emails during weekends).
A person with healthy boundaries can say “no” when they need to, but also say “yes” to closeness and help when appropriate. In other words, you can decline requests that violate your limits, while still being open to meaningful relationships. Healthy boundaries are flexible – not so rigid that you shut everyone out, and not so porous that you ignore your own needs. They help create mutual respect in personal, professional, and familial relationships.
Examples of Healthy Boundaries in Action
What do healthy boundaries actually look like in everyday life? Here are a few relatable examples, especially relevant to second-gen Asian Americans navigating family and personal life:
Politely postponing a tough conversation: Imagine you’ve had an exhausting day and your mom calls wanting to vent about something. Instead of forcing yourself to listen when you have no energy (and risking frustration on both sides), a healthy boundary is gently telling her you want to be there for her but need to rest now, and arranging to talk at a later time when you can give her your full attention. This way, you care for your well-being and ensure you can truly support her later.
Protecting your personal space and privacy: If you live with family, a healthy boundary might be asking relatives to knock before entering your room or not to go through your personal belongings or mail without permission. It may feel awkward to request this if it’s not the household norm, but it’s a reasonable limit that respects your privacy.
Saying “no” when you need to: You might decline an invitation to a social event or say no to taking on extra tasks when you’re already overwhelmed. For instance, if a friend asks for a big favor on short notice and you’re swamped, a healthy boundary is to kindly say you can’t commit this time. Similarly, with family, you can set limits on helping out – you’ll help them when you can, but you can’t drop everything all the time. Learning to say “no” when necessary keeps you from spreading yourself too thin and getting burned out.
Limiting unhelpful discussions or comments: If a family member frequently brings up topics that make you uncomfortable (like constant remarks about your career, grades, appearance, or love life), setting a boundary could mean letting them know you prefer not to discuss that subject. For example, telling a well-meaning aunt, “I appreciate your concern, but I don’t want to talk about my dating life right now,” is a way to protect your emotional comfort. This kind of boundary prevents resentment and preserves respect in the relationship.
These examples show that boundaries can be simple actions or statements. They are not about pushing people away; they’re about teaching others how to interact with you in a healthy, respectful manner. In healthy relationships, both sides understand and respect each other’s limits.
What Boundaries Are Not
When we talk about boundaries, it’s just as important to know what they aren’t. Boundaries are not a way to control, punish, or manipulate other people. Instead, they’re about clarifying your own limits and taking responsibility for your well-being.
Here are a few examples of what boundaries are not:
Not ultimatums meant to control: Saying, “If you don’t call me every day, I’ll stop talking to you,” isn’t a boundary—it’s a demand. A true boundary sounds more like, “I feel cared for when we stay in touch, and I’d love to find a rhythm that works for both of us.”
Not about changing others’ behavior: A boundary is about what you will do, not about forcing someone else to act differently. For example, “You need to stop criticizing me” is an attempt at control. A healthier boundary is, “If the conversation turns critical, I’ll step away until we can talk respectfully.”
Not silent resentment: Avoiding or bottling up your feelings isn’t a boundary. It may feel easier in the moment, especially if you’re used to keeping peace in a collectivist family system, but real boundaries require clear communication.
Not selfish walls: Boundaries aren’t about cutting people off or refusing connection. They’re about creating safe conditions for connection by making sure respect and balance exist on both sides.
Example:
For many second-generation Asian Americans, a common challenge is parental expectations around constant check-ins. For example, your parent might expect you to answer the phone every time they call, even during work hours or to update them daily about your plans.
A controlling response would be: “You need to stop calling me so much.”
A healthy boundary looks like: “I love talking with you, but I can’t always answer right away. I’ll make sure to call you back in the evenings when I’m free.”
Notice the difference: one tries to control your parent’s behavior, while the other communicates your limit and takes responsibility for how you’ll respond. The second option preserves respect, nurtures connection, and protects your own time and energy.
Why It’s Hard to Set Boundaries as a Second-Gen Asian American
If setting boundaries were as easy as reading a list of tips, many of us wouldn’t struggle with it! In reality, second-generation Asian Americans face some unique cultural hurdles when it comes to boundary-setting. Here are a few reasons it can be difficult:
Collectivist family values: Many Asian immigrant families emphasize collectivism – prioritizing the family or group’s needs over the individual’s. You might have grown up in a household where concepts like privacy or personal space weren’t a big thing, because everyone functioned as a tight unit. It’s common for Asian American households (especially with first-generation parents) to have very blurry or “nonexistent” boundaries by Western standards. For example, parents may feel entitled to be deeply involved in your decisions and time. Saying “I need my own space” can feel like you’re going against a core family value of togetherness and harmony. It’s not that Asian families don’t care about respect, but the way respect is shown differs from more individualistic cultures. In a collectivist mindset, being always available to family is seen as good and loving – so setting a boundary, like not answering the phone during work, might be seen as “too American” or selfish by an older generation.
Filial piety and high expectations: Many of us were taught the concept of filial piety, which is basically a deep respect and duty toward one’s parents and elders. In practice, this means you feel responsible to keep your parents happy, meet their expectations, and never “let them down.” Filial piety is a beautiful value, but it can make boundaries tricky. You might feel you owe your parents for their sacrifices, so you should always obey and be available. Saying “no” to your parents – whether it’s about your career choice, marriage plans, or not being able to help at a moment’s notice – can trigger immense guilt. Younger Asian Americans who grow up straddling Western and Asian values often struggle with these expectations from family, like pressure to succeed in certain careers or to provide help immediately when asked. If you try to assert some independence or personal choice, elders might view it as disobedience or a rejection of family values. For example, setting a boundary like not answering work calls during a family dinner might be misunderstood as disrespect. Some parents may even blame “American” culture for teaching you to prioritize yourself. This clash can leave you feeling torn and guilty.
Guilt and “selfishness”: Hand-in-hand with the above, guilt is a huge factor. Second-gen Asian Americans often carry an extra helping of guilt whenever they prioritize themselves. You might constantly feel like you’re not doing enough for your family or that you’re being selfish for wanting something different. In therapy sessions, it’s common for Asian American clients to express guilt about setting boundaries with parents or extended family. You may worry that saying no or needing space means you’re a “bad” son/daughter or ungrateful. This guilt is reinforced by cultural messages that equate love with self-sacrifice. As a result, even thinking about boundaries can make you feel like you’re betraying your family.
Communication style and conflict avoidance: In many Asian cultures, direct confrontation or openly expressing needs is not the norm – politeness and maintaining harmony are valued. You might have been taught not to talk back and to avoid conflict. So even when you want to set a boundary, you might not have the words or confidence to do it. Being assertive can feel very uncomfortable if you’ve grown up emphasizing humility and obedience. You may fear that setting a boundary will cause an argument or hurt feelings. For instance, telling your father that you can’t attend a family event because of a prior commitment might fill you with anxiety about upsetting him. The result is that you stay silent and comply, even when it hurts you. This dynamic often leads to people-pleasing behavior and resentment over time.
All these cultural factors make boundary-setting a delicate task for second-generation folks. You’re essentially trying to balance two sets of values: the individualistic idea that it’s healthy to assert your needs, and the collectivist idea that family comes first. It’s no wonder you might feel guilty or conflicted. The important thing to remember is that setting boundaries isn’t selfish – it’s an act of self-respect. You can love and honor your family and still honor your own needs. In fact, when done compassionately, boundaries can improve relationships by preventing burnout and misunderstanding.
How Therapy Can Help with Identifying and Setting Boundaries
If you’re struggling with how to start setting boundaries or dealing with the emotional fallout, you’re not alone – and this is exactly where therapy can be incredibly helpful. A culturally sensitive therapist (ideally one familiar with Asian American or immigrant family dynamics) can guide you through this process in a few key ways:
Identifying your needs: A therapist provides a safe, non-judgmental space to explore what you really need and what’s stopping you from asserting those needs. You might be hesitant to set boundaries due to fear or guilt, sometimes without even realizing it. A therapist can help you pinpoint those internal barriers – for example, uncovering that you fear being a “bad child” if you say no – and work through them. Understanding why you feel uncomfortable with boundaries is the first step to change.
Practice Setting Realistic Boundaries: Every family and relationship is different; there’s no one-size-fits-all boundary. In therapy you can brainstorm and practice setting practical boundaries that fit your situation. Maybe you need to set a boundary around how often you can handle visiting your parents, or how you’ll respond to nosy questions from relatives. A therapist experienced in Asian American family dynamics can even help you craft the language to use – perhaps finding a polite way to phrase a request so you feel prepared. This makes it less daunting to actually implement the boundary in real life.
Managing guilt and emotions: It’s normal to feel anxious or guilty when you start setting new boundaries, especially if your family pushes back. Therapy is a place to process those feelings. A good therapist will remind you that your feelings and needs are valid – you’re not a bad person for having boundaries. When a boundary is tested or a family member reacts poorly, you can talk it through in therapy. Your therapist can help you navigate those moments without melting into shame or giving up. They might use techniques from cognitive-behavioral therapy to challenge thoughts like “I’m selfish,” or use cultural insight to reframe what’s happening. Over time, this support helps you build emotional resilience. You learn to tolerate the discomfort and stick to your healthy choices.
Accountability and encouragement: Let’s face it, setting and maintaining boundaries is hard work – it can be two steps forward, one step back. Having a therapist is like having a coach or cheerleader on your side. They will celebrate your progress, no matter how small (like the first time you told Dad you’ll call him back later and didn’t immediately drop everything). And if you slip up or a boundary conversation goes badly, they’re there to help you regroup and learn from it. This ongoing support makes it more likely that you’ll follow through consistently until the new boundaries become more comfortable. Consistency is key, and therapy can keep you accountable and motivated to uphold the limits that protect your well-being.
Improving communication skills: How you say things is as important as what you say. Many second-gen Asians worry about how to communicate a boundary respectfully so it doesn’t come off as rude. Therapists are great coaches for assertive communication. They can teach you to be clear, firm, and kind in expressing your limits. For example, you might learn to use “I” statements (“I feel overwhelmed and need some time for myself”) instead of blaming or getting angry. With practice, you’ll grow more confident speaking up, even if your voice shakes at first.
Therapy for Asian Americans often takes into account the cultural piece too. A therapist who understands second-generation Asian identity can help you balance caring for your family with caring for yourself. They might even involve family in therapy if appropriate – for example, a family therapy session to help your parents understand what boundaries are and why they’re not a threat to the family unity. But even individual therapy can equip you with the confidence and clarity to slowly educate your family by example. Over time, as you maintain your boundaries with compassion, many parents actually come to respect the happier, more independent adult you become.
Embracing Healthier Relationships
Navigating boundaries as a second-generation Asian American is a journey. Remember that you matter too, and taking care of your mental and emotional health will ultimately help you show up better for your loved ones. Healthy boundaries are a form of self-care that protects your well-being and prevents the kind of burnout or resentment that can damage relationships. By setting boundaries, you’re not breaking family bonds – you’re building a foundation for more honest and sustainable ones.
If you find it challenging, consider reaching out to a professional who gets it. Seeking therapy is not a sign of weakness or rebellion- it’s a step toward growth and balance. Working with a therapist who understands Asian American mental health can help you honor both your family values and your personal needs. In the end, setting boundaries is about finding that middle ground where you can be a loving son or daughter, friend, or partner without losing yourself. It might feel uncomfortable at first, but with practice and possibly some guidance in therapy, you’ll find that saying “yes” to yourself through healthy boundaries is one of the best things you can do – for you and for your family’s long-term relationship.
