Beyond “Putting Up With It”: Building Emotional Strength Through Acceptance
Introduction
Life often hands us situations and feelings that are uncomfortable – anxiety about an upcoming change, the urge to please others at our own expense, or an endless loop of overthinking at 3 a.m. When these challenges arise, we have two basic ways of dealing with them: tolerance (gritting our teeth to endure the discomfort and hoping it passes) or acceptance (acknowledging what we feel and experience without fighting it). Though they might sound similar, acceptance and tolerance are very different approaches. This post will clarify the difference between the two, drawing on principles from evidence-based therapies like DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy), CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy), and ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy). Understanding and practicing acceptance – rather than mere tolerance – can lead to deeper emotional well-being and greater flexibility in how we handle life’s challenges.
What Is Tolerance?
Tolerance in this context means “putting up with” an unpleasant emotion or situation without truly dealing with it. It’s like holding your breath and waiting for the storm to pass. When we tolerate something, we’re enduring it but still internally resisting it. For example, if you’re feeling anxious and you choose to tolerate it, you might say to yourself: “Fine, I’ll get through this, but I really hate it and I can’t wait for it to stop.” You haven’t accepted the anxiety – you’re just bearing it with quiet (or not-so-quiet) resentment.
Tolerance often involves a level of denial or suppression. You might distract yourself from your racing thoughts or force a smile to appease others, all the while thinking “I shouldn’t have to feel this way” or “This isn’t fair.” In DBT terms, there are distress tolerance skills that help you survive a crisis moment – like distracting or self-soothing – which are useful tools. However, simply tolerating distress without eventually addressing it or accepting it can be exhausting. It’s a bit like constantly clenching your muscles; you can only keep that up for so long before you collapse or lash out.
Crucially, tolerance tends to keep us in a state of inner conflict. We’re behaving as if we’re okay on the surface, but underneath we’re still fighting what’s happening. This uses up a lot of mental and emotional energy. In the long run, mere tolerance can fuel bitterness, stress, and “why me?” thinking, because we’re still hoping reality will be different than it is. Tolerance might prevent an outburst or meltdown in the moment, but it doesn’t resolve the feelings – it just holds them at bay.
What Is Acceptance?
Acceptance means openly acknowledging and allowing reality to be as it is, without trying to fight it. In simple terms, it’s saying to yourself: “This is what I’m feeling or what I’m facing right now, and I will let it be here.” Importantly, acceptance is not the same as approval or liking the situation. You don’t have to enjoy or want the anxiety, sadness, or difficult circumstance. You simply recognize that it is happening and stop expending energy denying it or wishing it away. A popular phrase captures it well: “It is what it is.”
Therapists often explain that acceptance is about dropping the internal resistance. If tolerating feels like clenching your fists, acceptance is like opening your hands. For instance, in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), acceptance is a core skill defined as the “willingness to experience unwanted thoughts and feelings.” Instead of running from anxiety or overanalyzing why you shouldn’t feel anxious, you allow the feeling of anxiety to be present without judgment. You might gently note, “I’m feeling anxious and my heart is racing. It’s uncomfortable, but I can accept that this is what I’m feeling right now.”
Marsha Linehan, the creator of DBT, calls one of her techniques “radical acceptance.” This means completely and totally accepting with your whole being the facts of reality that you cannot change. It doesn’t mean you like those facts or that you’re giving up on improving things – it simply means you acknowledge reality fully. By doing so, you stop adding extra suffering to the situation. In other words, pain in life is inevitable, but suffering comes from the unnecessary pain we create by rejecting or fighting what’s happening. When you practice acceptance, you’re no longer punching the wall of reality – a fight you can never win. Instead, you conserve that energy for actually coping or solving the parts of the problem that are within your control.
One way to understand acceptance is to imagine how you’d prefer others to treat you. As Dr. Russ Harris (an ACT expert) points out with a vivid example: Would you want your loved ones to merely tolerate you – putting up with your presence while secretly hoping you’ll leave soon? Or would you rather they accept you completely as you are, flaws and all, and welcome you unconditionally? Most of us would choose acceptance. In the same way, accepting your own emotions and experiences is far kinder than just tolerating them. Acceptance allows you to treat yourself with understanding rather than impatience.
Acceptance vs. Tolerance in Everyday Scenarios
To really see the difference between tolerating and accepting, let’s look at how each approach might play out in common situations involving anxiety, people-pleasing, and overthinking.
Anxiety: Imagine you have a big presentation tomorrow and feel a wave of anxiety. Tolerating might mean you spend the night tense and restless, telling yourself “Just get through it” while checking if your anxiety is gone every few minutes. You might distract yourself with TV but curse your nerves internally, essentially waiting for the anxiety to disappear. In contrast, acceptance would mean acknowledging “I’m anxious about this presentation; my stomach is in knots, and that’s understandable.” You might practice some slow breathing or mindful awareness of the feelings, allowing them to be there without trying to shove them away. By accepting the anxiety, paradoxically its grip on you lessens – you haven’t fed it additional fear by fighting it. You might even get some rest because you’re not lying there mentally wrestling with why you feel anxious; you know why (it’s a big day tomorrow!) and you let that feeling run its course.
People-Pleasing: Let’s say you have a habit of always saying “yes” to others – taking on extra work, always agreeing to plans – even when you’re exhausted or it’s inconvenient. With a tolerance mindset, you might continue this pattern while silently seething or feeling anxious about it. You “put up with” the discomfort of doing things for everyone else, maybe thinking “I can’t stand this, but I don’t want to upset them. I’ll tolerate it and hope they appreciate me.” You end up feeling used or burned out, and resentment builds. An acceptance approach, however, starts with acknowledging your own needs and limits: “I’m only human and I actually need downtime; it’s okay that I can’t please everyone.” You also accept the reality that not everyone will be happy with you all the time – and that’s okay. With this acceptance, you find the courage to set a gentle boundary, like telling a friend you can’t help this time or telling your boss you have too much on your plate. It might feel uncomfortable at first (you might still feel anxious about displeasing someone), but you accept that feeling too! By embracing the short-term discomfort, you gain long-term respect for yourself and more authentic relationships. In essence, you’re no longer just enduring people-pleasing; you’re choosing honest, healthy behavior, accepting that you can’t be everyone’s savior. This leads to far less anxiety and self-criticism down the road.
Overthinking: Perhaps you’re prone to lying awake at night replaying conversations or imagining worst-case scenarios about the future. Tolerating those racing thoughts often takes the form of pseudo-control – you might try to forcibly stop thinking (“Ugh, just don’t think about it!”), or you scroll through your phone to drown out your thoughts. Yet, the more you push thoughts away, often the stronger they bounce back. You’re tolerating the mental discomfort but with a lot of frustration: your mind is still in overdrive and you’re merely along for the unpleasant ride. With acceptance, you practice a different tactic: noticing and naming your thoughts without getting entangled in them. For example, “I notice I’m worrying about all the things that could go wrong. My mind is trying to find certainty.” Instead of battling each worry, you let the thoughts come and go like passing clouds. You might even write them down to get them out of your head, acknowledging, “I’m feeling a lot of uncertainty and that’s hard, but I can accept that uncertainty is a part of life.” By not labeling the thoughts as “good” or “bad,” and not chasing every mental rabbit hole, your mind can gradually quiet down. Acceptance here means you make room for uncertainty and imperfection. As a result, you break the cycle of rumination more gently – you’re not forcing your mind to stop (which never works for long), you’re allowing it to slow on its own. Over time, this leads to much more mental peace and flexibility, because you learn that you can handle unsure moments without obsessing.
Why Acceptance Leads to Greater Well-Being
All of these examples highlight a key point: tolerance might get you through a moment, but acceptance can transform how you experience the moment. When you shift from tolerance to true acceptance, a few important things happen for your mental health:
Reduced “Secondary” Emotions: In therapy, it’s often said that we have primary emotional pain (the initial feeling or problem) and then we add secondary pain by how we react to that feeling. If feeling anxious is the primary pain, then hating the anxiety or panicking about being anxious is secondary pain – it’s an extra layer of suffering. Tolerance often doesn’t remove that second layer; you’re still internally saying “this is awful, I can’t handle it” even if you’re outwardly enduring it. Acceptance removes or greatly diminishes that second layer. You feel the natural pain (like normal nervousness, sadness, etc.) but without the added shame, anger, or self-judgment about it. For instance, when you accept anxiety, you no longer get anxious about your anxiety. The anxiety is there, but it’s just a feeling – it doesn’t automatically spiral into “Oh no, I’m weak for feeling this, it will never end, I can’t stand it.” In a way, you turn off the “struggle switch” in your mind, so you’re no longer fueling the fire with resistance. This leads to a significant relief: the uncomfortable feeling might still be present, but it doesn’t hurt as much because you’re not fighting it.
Conservation of Energy: Resisting reality is exhausting. As noted above, tolerating by resisting uses up a lot of mental and emotional energy. Think about how draining it is to constantly wish things were different or to keep a tough facade. Acceptance is like setting down a heavy backpack you’ve been lugging around. Suddenly, that energy is freed up for more meaningful things. DBT therapists often say that acceptance opens up energy for change. Once you stop pouring effort into an unwinnable internal battle (for example, trying to will away the fact that you feel a certain emotion), you can redirect that energy. You might spend it on problem-solving parts of the situation you can change, or simply on activities you value (like connecting with loved ones, engaging in a hobby, self-care, etc.). Many people report that when they truly accept a feeling or situation, they feel a sense of relief or lightness, even if the situation itself hasn’t improved yet. That’s the weight of resistance lifting off your shoulders.
Increased Psychological Flexibility: Psychological flexibility is a fancy term from ACT, but it boils down to being able to adapt to life’s ups and downs and act according to your values, even when emotions are challenging. Acceptance is a cornerstone of building this flexibility. If you can only function when you feel “good” and you fall apart at the first sign of anxiety or discomfort, life becomes very narrow. But by practicing acceptance, you learn that it’s possible to have an uncomfortable feeling and still move forward. You become more resilient because you’re not derailed by every wave of emotion; you can ride the wave. For example, instead of canceling a social plan because you woke up depressed or pushing away all your friends when you’re stressed (rigid, reactive behaviors), you acknowledge the feeling and gently push yourself to do what matters anyway. You might tell a close friend, “Hey, I’m feeling a bit down today, but I still want to hang out. I might be quieter than usual, just so you know.” This kind of flexibility – doing what’s important (the committed action part of ACT) while making room for your feelings – leads to greater confidence and self-efficacy. You start to trust that “I can handle what comes.” Tolerance alone doesn’t teach you that; it just teaches you to grit your teeth. Acceptance shows you that you can bend without breaking.
Deeper Emotional Well-Being: When you practice acceptance regularly, you cultivate a kinder relationship with yourself and your emotions. Instead of seeing certain feelings as enemies to vanquish, you begin to see them as natural parts of being human. This shift can reduce chronic stress, because you’re no longer in constant fight-or-flight mode over your own inner experiences. People who move from tolerance to acceptance often report feeling more at peace and emotionally grounded. For example, rather than constantly riding the roller coaster of trying to make everyone happy (and feeling like a failure when you can’t), you develop a stable sense of self-worth by accepting yourself and the reality that not everyone will agree with you. Acceptance also fosters mindfulness – by paying attention to what is actually happening in the moment (instead of what you wish would happen), you live more fully and authentically. Over time, this can alleviate symptoms of anxiety and depression. In fact, many evidence-based therapies encourage acceptance precisely because it’s been shown to help people cope with everything from panic attacks to chronic pain. Accepting doesn’t make the pain magically disappear, but it often shrinks the pain to a manageable size. It’s the difference between feeling a painful emotion and then letting it go versus feeling it and then brooding, amplifying, or getting stuck in it. Acceptance helps you let go.
Moving Toward Acceptance
It’s important to acknowledge that acceptance is a practice, not a one-time decision. Especially if you’re used to just tolerating or suppressing feelings, shifting to acceptance can be challenging. Don’t be hard on yourself if it doesn’t come easily at first – remember, acceptance also means being patient and non-judgmental with yourself. Here are a few gentle tips to start practicing acceptance in place of tolerance:
Name the feeling or situation you’re struggling with. Simply put words to it: “I’m feeling angry at my friend” or “I am really worried about X.” This is a mindful acknowledgement that begins the acceptance process.
Remind yourself that you don’t have to like it. Say internally, “I don’t like this feeling, but I can be with it.” This helps separate the idea of accepting from approving. For example: “I wish I wasn’t anxious, but I can accept that I am anxious right now.”
Breathe and allow. Use a few slow breaths or mindfulness techniques to help your body relax its resistance. You might imagine your breath creating space around the discomfort, making room for it. If your shoulders are tense, consciously soften them – a physical signal of acceptance.
Refocus on what matters. Once you’ve acknowledged the feeling, gently turn your attention to something value-driven. Ask, “Given that this is my situation or emotion, what’s a kind or useful thing I can do now?” Maybe it’s getting some rest, maybe it’s preparing a bit more for that presentation (if action is possible), or maybe it’s simply continuing with your day while bringing the feeling along. This reinforces that you can coexist with the feeling instead of putting life on hold until the feeling goes away.
Practice self-compassion. Treat yourself as you would a dear friend going through the same thing. You might tell yourself, “Anyone would feel stressed in this situation. It’s okay that I feel this way. I’m doing the best I can.” Accepting your emotions also means accepting your humanity – you have the right to feel whatever you feel. This attitude naturally reduces the urge to fight your feelings.
Conclusion
In summary, tolerance is a surface-level strategy – it may keep you afloat for a while, but it often leaves you exhausted and stuck treading water. Acceptance, on the other hand, is about learning to float and swim with the current, conserving your energy for the direction you actually want to go. By embracing acceptance, you’re not giving up or giving in; you’re simply acknowledging the truth of the moment so you can respond to it more wisely. Whether it’s reducing anxiety, stepping out of the people-pleasing trap, or calming an overactive mind, choosing acceptance over mere tolerance can transform your emotional life. It leads to less internal warfare and more peace. Over time, you develop a sturdy inner confidence that “I can handle what I feel, and I can handle what life brings.” That is the essence of deeper emotional well-being and behavioral flexibility – bending with life’s winds rather than snapping under them.
Remember, it’s a journey. Be patient with yourself as you practice. The fact that you’re interested in these ideas is already a sign of growth and self-care. Little by little, try replacing “I can’t stand this” with “I can accept this, even if I don’t like it.” You may be surprised at how much lighter and capable you feel when you make that shift. In the long run, acceptance isn’t about surrendering to a bad life – it’s about freeing yourself to live a better, more genuine life no matter what comes your way.
References:
Behavioral Health Direct (2025). The Difference Between Acceptance and Tolerance – Acceptance in Therapy and Mental Health. (Blog article).
Harris, R. (2008). The Happiness Trap: How to Stop Struggling and Start Living. Trumpeter Books. (Discussion of acceptance vs. tolerance in ACT; includes the “would you rather be tolerated or accepted?” metaphor.)
Linehan, M. M. (2015). DBT Skills Training Manual (2nd ed.). Guilford Press. (Introduction of “radical acceptance” as a core DBT skill for coping with distress.)
Chang, R. (2024). Accepting Things As They Are: Why and How to Do It. Manhattan Center for CBT. (Blog post on the importance of acceptance in coping with life’s challenges.)
GoodTherapy (2013). Distress Tolerance in Dialectical Behavior Therapy. (Article explaining DBT skills, including radical acceptance to reduce suffering.)
Treleaven, D. (2023). Making Sense of Acceptance for Change. Psychology Today. (Explains how true acceptance differs from “putting up with” something, emphasizing mindful acknowledgment.)
